February-Love Giveaway!!!

Alright, so some of you have probably been waiting for this with bated breath because, free things. As I said earlier, I’ll be giving 5 people N1,000 airtime each  absolutely free (kinda)!!! All you have to do is answer the question I have for you in the comments section, and my friend Johnny Q will pick out the 5 most interesting answers, and voilà! N1,000 airtime is yours. To all of those who were all over twitter on Saturday griping about how boring Valentine’s day really is, pele. And if you stayed home all day Saturday only for that “special” someone to take you out yesterday,


But don’t feel bad, because


We’re starting from the borrom, bhet we wee get dia someday! :D

Oh, did I mention? You have from now till 8pm to post your comments, and only comments posted before then will be considered.
Your time starts now.

What does love mean to you?



Of Mandibles and Other Romantic Things

So I went out with someone this week.
Let me make it clear, please.
It was not a date.
It was NOT a date.
It was not a DATE.
He brought up the idea of us hanging out and I said Ok because, meat. Quite frankly, you can kidnap me with meat. Or is it still kidnap if I willingly hop into the car with you, clutching the container of yummy saliva-wave inducing dead animal… I think my ability to hear or focus is hindered drastically when I’m eating meat that I really enjoy. But that theory has not been proved.
Continue reading


Saturday Is Wedding Day

Saturday is wedding day.

In other parts of the world(I assume), Saturdays are for resting, catching up on personal projects, meeting up with friends and family, or simply recovering from the previous night’s hangover.
In Nigeria, Saturdays are for weddings. Washing clothes and attending weddings. I hate both.
I mean, it’s like someone blows a trumpet somewhere and all of a sudden everyone is rushing out with buckets and heaps of dirty clothes. Younger siblings are sent to the neighbourhood shop to buy washing soap and Ariel N15, while one sister is somewhere inside frying akara or chips or eggs for breakfast. So, washing done, breakfast consumed, out come the outfits selected for the day, to be ironed while NEPA is happy.
Then the strategies come out. How many people are going to the same wedding, so they can ride together. Is there more than one wedding that day? Which one deserves a church attendance, and which holds the promise of a more interesting reception. And so on.
Honestly I don’t get the fascination.
In all my years on earth, I can recall about 7 weddings I’ve attended. And most of them were my siblings’, so attendance was kind of mandatory by blood or something.
If I were still living at home, my mom and I would have our Saturday wedding conversation, something like this:
Mum: Ehen, Mrs. So-and-so’s son is getting married today, shey you will come with me?
Me: Nooooo Mummy.
Mum: *genuinely puzzled. Every single time* Ah-ahn, why naw?
Me: I don’t want to go.
Mum: But are you going somewhere else?
Me: No, I’ll be at home.
Mum: Let’s go, so you can see what is happening, see how people are doing things.
Me: *laughing in a blushy way, this woman is so funny*
Mum: So you will know how to do your own too…
Me: *ah. There it is*
Mum: …and so people can also attend yours.
Me: But I don’t want people to attend mine!
Mum: Don’t say so!
This usually goes on till she gets dressed and leaves me to breathe a deep sigh of relief. Then when she gets back, I am regaled with stories of how the hall was decorated and “how people are doing things now”.
To be honest, it’s all just a big show for strangers and the bride. It is unnecessary expense and too much tension for just one day. It’s a social competition. Sometimes it’s the thing a narcissistic couple will do to have all eyes on them, at least just once, before they move on to the drudgery of everyday life…
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve nothing against marriage itself. I just hate weddings.
The only redeeming aspect of weddings is the after party!!! Two of my siblings did this and I simply CANNOT, for the life of me, understand why more people don’t have them :s
Anyways, that’s just my small, wobbly take on this. Go forth and enjoy the day’s wedding lineup.




Keeping Your BFF


Here are some tips about best friends I wrote down a while ago:

-Keep the amebo flowing. Gossip is the grease that oils the cogs of the world. It is not to be underestimated.
– Though distance separates you, communication is key.
– When you deliver your gist, be sure to make it media-rich. Include images, web links, audio, video footage, bloody powerpoint slides if you can. Continue reading


Instant Flash: Bracelet

I am in a bus headed for Asaba. There’s a skinny fair guy sitting next to me who’s been making small talk with the third person at the back, an elderly lady. I’ve come to realize that my girlfriend lied; Asaba is apparently further away than the four hours she promised, and it’s in no way going to be a smooth ride, if the present rough road is anything to go by.
I’m trying to sleep to eat up the kilometres, but there is really nowhere to rest my head. I glance towards my skinny neighbour and access his profile. Glasses, very little facial hair. I quite suddenly want to grab his head and kiss him. It’s not my fault. I love to kiss but this single life won’t let me prosper…
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The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life

8:12 AMJoy
this away business here to stay?
8:14 AMJohnny Q
8:19 AMJoy
9:46 AMJohnny Q
this away business here to stay?
10:21 AMJoy
was ACTUALLY  away
10:23 AMJohnny Q
10:24 AMJoy
been in za loo
was there for like 30mins
10:28 AMJohnny Q
giving birth?
10:29 AMJoy
10:31 AMJohnny Q
Continue reading