We all have these. They may be nice people, really. Just nice people you ordinarily wouldn’t want to be with for more than a few minutes. Or maybe you just don’t want any company at that time, then up these guys show. Then again, maybe they’re just really annoying people who can’t take “Stay away from me!” for an answer. Anyways, here’s how to “welcome” the unwelcomables.
It is absolutely important that you make no effort whatsoever to make them feel welcome. Do not offer them food or drinks, except maybe if they’re choking. Then you can provide a bit of that drippy down water the fridge always seems to produce. It may or may not be clean, but hey, they have no choice since they’re choking, right? You may wish to serve said water in a dirty cup, just to avoid any confusion.
Ensure that you do not pay them your full attention. Make /receive calls loudly, chat up everyone on your BBM (send a BC, this will get everyone riled up at the same time), comfortably take selfies for onward upload to Twitter and IG, or play Flappy Bird and yell out “Noooooooooooo!!!” whenever you get piped.
This is related to the strategy above. Put your Whatsapp and BBM notifications on “Excruciatingly Loud”. Good luck.
Abandon them watching AMag Yoruba, or NTA (local), while you leave the room frequently to go check on your fictitious “pot on the fire”. Note that the AMag Yoruba idea may not be effective if the target IS Yoruba.
Have a loud, animated conversation with your neighbour. Through the window.
Yawn loudly , several times a minute.
Answer everything they say with a smile and a noncommittal “Hmm.”.
Get out your nail kit and proceed to clip and clean your toenails. Pay full attention to the dirt underneath the nails of your big toes.
When all else fails (yes, this happens – there are some rather thick-skinned folks out there), please do not feel guilty about telling the creature to leave. In an age where all our personal info, our likes and deepest fears are pasted all over the Internet, I think it’s never a bad thing to cling to whatever smidgen of privacy you can hold on to. This is how you do it:
While gently edging open the door with your freshly cleaned big toe, ask sweetly, “Sorry, Uncle/Anty, you came to greet me, abi? That’s nice o. Any other thing?”
Disclaimer: I feel no guilt putting these tips into practice. None whatsoever.
For your listening pleasure, try Kiss With a Fist by Florence And The Machine.
Just because it’s fun. Bwahahahahahahaaa.