Of Mandibles and Other Romantic Things

So I went out with someone this week.
Let me make it clear, please.
It was not a date.
It was NOT a date.
It was not a DATE.
He brought up the idea of us hanging out and I said Ok because, meat. Quite frankly, you can kidnap me with meat. Or is it still kidnap if I willingly hop into the car with you, clutching the container of yummy saliva-wave inducing dead animal… I think my ability to hear or focus is hindered drastically when I’m eating meat that I really enjoy. But that theory has not been proved.

So we hung out somewhere, I had my meat before me and he scrolled through the pictures on my phone because he’s a photo junkie. So then he saw this one;


And asked if I could relate, to which I replied, “Only for the whole of my adult life, yeah” and we laughed about it. We also debated on which language is sexier, Italian or French. It was agreed that Italian is by far sexier, and that the word basorexia actually sounds a bit Italian. So flash forward to when he dropped me off home, and the weirdest thing happened. It looked something like this, actually;

So for a fraction of a second, there I was, sat in this guy’s car, with his teeth actually making contact with the skin just above my upper lip. Two things were prominent in my mind, as follows:
1.This was not, by any standards, a normal position for two people to just randomly assume, no warning, no request letter typed out in Times New Roman, font size 12, and no inherent enjoyment (I speak for myself)
2.Why did the feel of his teeth remind me of a rat I once poured hot water on in the sink? Poor fluffy, chubby rodent looked almost like a puppy and it had its eyes wide, teeth bared, whilst struggling for life and I felt like such a murderess 😦
Anyway, after quite literally extricating myself from his jaws and racing into the relative safety of my house, I got a text (who texts anymore, even?) from the aforementioned creature saying how lovely a time he had, and can we please do it again this weekend?
Now, the local search engine in my brain went; Enter keywords… This weekend… Saturday, February… 58 search results… Did you mean, February 14th Valentine’s Day? If he can want to eat the lower half of my face on a week night, what will he do on the international day of love? 😦
Well, as a lover of peace, my answer to him is no. But he doesn’t know that yet, he keeps texting away. It’s not that his company wasn’t fun, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy the meat. I just don’t need contact with someone’s unsolicited saliva, thanks.
In other news, I’m thinking up a February love giveaway of amazing, wonderful, surprise gifts of N1,000 airtime to 5 lucky people… But I haven’t figured out the details yet (meaning I don’t yet know what hoops I want to make you guys jump through 🙂 )

Have a lovely love-day today. Love responsibly, but without discrimination 🙂



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