How to be a Nigerian Christian

This is a crash course, so I’ll just run you through the salient points.
First of all, nothing bad is ever meant to happen to you. Anything bad that does happen is the work of your enemies, and everyone knows that enemies will die by fire.
Oh, I missed this one. Everyone has enemies whose only focus is to cause sickness, accidents and general bad luck.
Every single human being is a Joseph; every dream you have is symbolic of something and must be interpreted to reveal the goings on in the spiritual realm.
The only way to go to heaven is to attend as many church programs as possible, invite as many (Christian) guests as possible, and pray loudly in tongues real or imagined.
Actual evangelism to pagans and non-Christians is not as important.
Sometimes I wonder if God looks down and feels sad; when did His people get it so wrong?
You can’t enjoy watching horror movies; they are demonic and will initiate you into the occult without your knowledge.
Those who act horror movies become possessed afterwards, and need special prayers.
Every unmarried girl who “delays” before settling down has a slew of marine spirit husbands who are jealous of all the men who come close to her.
Every attractive woman is possessed by the spirit of seduction.
Every fucking thing is a spirit. Spirit of poverty (especially when you do nothing to earn a living), spirit of lust (it is unnatural to just feel horny; biology is not recognized), spirit of anger (even when you have been wronged, and anger is a natural human reaction), spirit of privacy (I’ve been told my not allowing people (men) visit/call me whenever they want is a spirit), etc.
Apparently, just living a quiet life of struggling daily to be a better person, not complaining about problems, gently going to church a few times a week, and being kind to everyone around you will NOT get you into the Nigerian heaven.
Go big, or go home.
Be ostentatious or your salvation will not come to you, and you will burn eternally in hell.
The Nigerian hell, which is just like our prisons; overcrowded, disorganized, mismanaged, and crawling with people doing time for crimes they did not commit.



2 thoughts on “How to be a Nigerian Christian

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s