Seven Things They Didn’t Tell You About Love


Premise: you’ll float through life humming your “relationship song” which is mushy and sweet and describes your love perfectly.
Reality: You’ll walk around singing Stereoman’s Sample Ekwe under your breath, because that’s what the guy you love loves.
Sample Ekwe.

(Meanwhile, he was the original Iyanya, lookit some of those moves.)

Premise: You guys can stay up all night talking on the phone for hours.
Reality: Please do not stay on the phone talking for hours! Who will buy all that credit??! I’m not sure, but I don’t think MTN still does midnight calls…
Besides, the “Enh?” “What?!” from the bad network will do your head in and most likely start a heated argument.

Premise: He will change your wardrobe, take you out for dinner everyday, and put all your younger siblings through school.
Reality: Nollywood lied! If you’re a lucky girl, you get a ready-to-wear bae; cool, fancy job, great pay, very well read and well travelled, handsome, etc etc.
If not, you just get an average guy who loves you, but wants freshly made efo riro three times a week.

Premise: He will win you over at a critical point in the relationship with an ostentatious declaration of his love.
Reality: Hollywood lied. He can’t rush to the airport just before your plane leaves because
a) Traffic at that time is terrible, even Superman would have problems getting around that fast
b) He can’t rush to the airport because you’re not there. You are already leaving the car park, and we all know Young Shall Grow don’t tolerate tardiness.

Premise: You can’t get enough of each other and spend long periods in each other’s company.
Reality: Your biological processes will wake up. One day you’ll let a ripe fart go in his presence, or rush to the loo to deliver a mature number two. Afterwards, you will stare guiltily into his eyes as his gas-fuddled brain struggles to compute that the stench actually came out of you.
Those seconds could make or break the relationship.

Premise: You and your partner share the same hobbies, like the same foods and agree on everything because, love.
Reality: There will be fights! Oh my God, sooo many fights! There’ll be pretending you know what a Chelsea is, just to please him 😥 The poor sod will sit down and pretend to pay attention while you ramble on about that Mexican soap…
Love is compromise, and a heightened obligation to show moral support.

Premise: Once you fall in love, that’s it for you. Off into the sunset and happily ever after the end for you.
Reality: When you’re in a committed relationship, there’ll always be someone hotter than who you’re with coming to ask you for “a chance”. This dementor will usually lack that one annoying character flaw your partner possesses.
And you will have to say no to him. *crying in oh my Gherd, whyyy*
Love is hard.
Love means growing up.
Love is a wonderful feeling that has no substitute.
Love, in essence, is what goes on behind the scenes of the fairytale.


14 thoughts on “Seven Things They Didn’t Tell You About Love

Add yours

  1. That last premise and reality. Oh goodness. When I make a commitment to someone, I always have that at the back of my mind… That no matter how much hotter, smarter, compatible or in love with me anyone who comes along is, I’m going to stick with the one I’ve chosen.

    Of course, that’s when all the Hoyer, smarter, more compatible show up and begin professing all the love in the world. Sigh.

Spill the tea, sis.

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