First off, pardon my French. I mean the title in THE most literal way.
Now, I’ve always loved Marian Keyes for being an honest, down to earth and REAL writer. Of course, it helps immensely that she’s got a great sense of humor as well. Anyways, I remember how she talked about guys and their need to beg, negotiate and struggle for sex from a woman simply because she’s there. There’s the slightest possibility that they’ll get lucky, so they absolutely MUST make the best of it.
She went so far as to say that she has a very visible penis-shaped indentation in the small of her back from all the times she’s had to ward off randy guys. When I read this all those years ago, I laughed. Now I don’t think it’s so funny anymore
Lemme paint you a scenario or two.
You go out with a guy, and either have to spend the night at his, or he at yours. Ok. Fine. You are both adults and he has given his word. You won’t even know he’s there, on his honour. So sleeping positions are assumed, all proper and correct, if you please. You on the bed and he on the couch/ floor/ leaning against the wall / in the neighbour’s garage five miles away. You are relaxed, poor simple creature that you are, and the sleep comes swiftly and intensely.
At some point, you awaken groggily, feeling the way Jonah must have felt going down the gullet of the whale; constricted and… ah-ahn, where did all your personal space go?! You drowsily realize that oga has speed walked five miles and is trying to get you to show how much you missed him. The battle is twofold. On the one hand, you’re just an innocent sleepy girl who suddenly has to give up that dream about kissing Lynxxx and wake the hell up. While doing all this, you’re faced with shaking off boda Kola as permanently as possible.
Now I’m reminded of that vlog post by Toke Makinwa (I don’t know her new, secret surname) . It was called Just The Tip and was really entertaining, but held so many truths. It is at this point that you’ll hear wonders:
“Baby, I don’t really want to have sex with you, I just want to feel your warmth“
“Honestly, I won’t move at all. Lemme just put it inside only”
What makes it worse is the realization that he believes his own lies and is totally focused on achieving his dreams. No amount of firm “No” and “Stop!” seems to pierce through the thick blue konji haze he’s enshrouded in. A part of your brain wanders off as you struggle to pry his hands off you. All you can think of are the daftest things.
- Why didn’t you start working out? If you had, you wouldn’t be panting by now. You’d be stronger, better equipped to fling this guy into the far wall.
- You wonder how far this will go, and the headlines flash before your eyes. Girl, 25, Raped to Death. “I Told Him to Stop!” – Rape Victim. It Was Self Defence, I Don’t Regret It.
- Your mom’s face flashes before your eyes screeching stuff like, ” You see?! And I warned her o!”
- You stifle the urge to yawn and scratch your belly. It’s like hunger has set in, sef. Maybe a little j-rice when this is over? With lots of onions and some sexy, golden dodo on the side?
Another scenario is:
True to his word, Man Friday remains a loyal and honourable companion through the night. But when joy (morning wood) comes in the morning, as it is want to, out roars the Incredible Hulk. Scroll back up to see how things play out.
Now, IT IS A LIE if you say you’re a girl over twenty and this has never happened to you, at least to some small degree. All I can say is, pay extra attention to all those kungfu movies ‘cos those fancy hand chop movements could save you some day.
And guys? Sigh. Dear, dear guys. When will the majority of you start having sense?