Single 3



Single 2

“I called Frank and told him it’s over. “
Grace was really grateful that Sade had come all the way to stay the night with her after their bbm conversation earlier. It felt good, not being alone.
“Aww, poor girl. Forget him jor. It’s not like you really loved him sef.”
Grace smiled sadly at her, putting on a brave face to reassure her friend.
“Aaaaaanyway,” Sade got up from the bed, mischievous gleam in her eye.
“We are drinking!” she brandished a bottle of merlot in one hand.
“And we are going dancing!”
Sade held up a tiny, electric blue dress in the other hand while Grace laughed excitedly and covered her face with her hands.
“I can’t believe you bought me the dress! Oga Mike, fa?” Grace managed to ask, perching on the edge of her bed.
“Don’t you trust me?! Oga Mike is on standby. Oya, stand up!”
Oga Mike was the cab driver they used whenever they went night – crawling.
An hour later, they made their way to Ice, their favorite nightclub, giggling away comfortably with Mike.
Determined to have fun and push all man-troubles aside, the two girls set fire to the dance floor, teasing a few guys but making it clear they didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.
All giggled out, Grace and Sade tumbled out of Mike’s car and into Grace’s apartment at about 3.47am, kicked off their shoes and climbed into bed fully dressed. Just before drifting off into her alcohol-induced sleep, Grace groggily checked her phone to stop the insistently blinking red light.

You stopped my heart in that blue dress.
Would that I could nurse your hangover in the morning…
Sleep sweet, my sweet.



Dave absolutely irritated her. She really wasn’t sure why, and didn’t care to find an explanation for it. Dipping her head to sip from her wide-brimmed mayrtini glass, she peered at him over its rim. Bella mumbled “Mumu guy” under her breath and turned around to look at other people. It was a work do, and attendance was mandatory, else she’d have stayed home quite happily. As usual at parties and social events, she stood on the fringe of things, by the drinks table this time, watching her colleagues and their guests laughing, dancing, living.
She was just fumbling for her phone so she could check the time and countdown to when she could safely sneak off when she felt a presence behind her.
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What To Do When Expecting Unwanted Guests


We all have these. They may be nice people, really. Just nice people you ordinarily wouldn’t want to be with for more than a few minutes. Or maybe you just  don’t want any company at that time, then up these guys show. Then again, maybe they’re just really annoying people who can’t take “Stay away from me!” for an answer. Anyways, here’s how to “welcome” the unwelcomables.
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For Shoes…

For about five weeks, she’d sat behind a little old man during evening mass. Her eyes always strayed to the back of his head during the homily. She’d grown up without a father, and had never set eyes on either grandfather. She wondered, abstractly, what it would be like to have this one as her dad, or grandad. His age was indeterminate; there was a full cap of white hair on his head, but he was still strong and moved upright without  any difficulties.
She wasn’t really one to make friends in church. She came to listen, to feel, to pray, to cry, and hopefully to walk out with something that would make her a better human being. She didn’t know who he was, and he definitely didn’t know her, either.
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Cock Blocking


Unless he tries to hump you too :(

First off, pardon my French. I mean the title in THE most literal way.

Now, I’ve always loved Marian Keyes for being an honest, down to earth and REAL writer. Of course, it helps immensely that she’s got a great sense of humor as well. Anyways, I remember how she talked about guys and their need to beg, negotiate and struggle for sex from a woman simply because she’s there. There’s the slightest possibility that they’ll get lucky, so they absolutely MUST make the best of it.
She went so far as to say that she has a very visible penis-shaped indentation in the small of her back from all the times she’s had to ward off randy guys. When I read this all those years ago, I laughed. Now I don’t think it’s so funny anymore :|
Lemme paint you a scenario or two.
You go out with a guy, and either have to spend the night at his, or he at yours.  Ok. Fine. You are both adults and he has given his word. You won’t even know he’s there, on his honour. So sleeping positions are assumed, all proper and correct, if you please. You on the bed and he on the couch/ floor/ leaning against the wall / in the neighbour’s garage five miles away. You are relaxed, poor simple creature that you are, and the sleep comes swiftly and intensely.
At some point, you awaken groggily, feeling the way Jonah must have felt going down the gullet of the whale; constricted and… ah-ahn, where did all your personal space go?! You drowsily realize that oga has speed walked five miles and is trying to get you to show how much you missed him. The battle is twofold. On the one hand, you’re just an innocent sleepy girl who suddenly has to give up that dream about kissing Lynxxx and wake the hell up. While doing all this, you’re faced with shaking off boda Kola as permanently as possible.
Now I’m reminded of that vlog post by Toke Makinwa (I don’t know her new, secret surname) . It was called Just The Tip and was really entertaining, but held so many truths. It is at this point that you’ll hear wonders:
“Baby, I don’t really want to have sex with you, I just want to feel your warmth
“Honestly, I won’t move at all. Lemme just put it inside only”
What makes it worse is the realization that he believes his own lies and is totally focused on achieving his dreams. No amount of firm “No” and “Stop!” seems to pierce through the thick blue konji haze he’s enshrouded in. A part of your brain wanders off as you struggle to pry his hands off you. All you can think of are the daftest things.
- Why didn’t you start working out? If you had, you wouldn’t be panting by now. You’d be stronger, better equipped to fling this guy into the far wall.
- You wonder how far this will go, and the headlines flash before your eyes. Girl, 25, Raped to Death. “I Told Him to Stop!” – Rape Victim. It Was Self Defence, I Don’t Regret It.
- Your mom’s face flashes before your eyes screeching stuff like, ” You see?! And I warned her o!”
- You stifle the urge to yawn and scratch your belly. It’s like hunger has set in, sef. Maybe a little j-rice when this is over? With lots of onions and some sexy, golden dodo on the side?
Another scenario is:
True to his word, Man Friday remains a loyal and honourable companion through the night. But when joy (morning wood) comes in the morning, as it is want to, out roars the Incredible Hulk. Scroll back up to see how things play out.
Now, IT IS A LIE if you say you’re a girl over twenty and this has never happened to you, at least to some small degree. All I can say is, pay extra attention to all those kungfu movies ‘cos those fancy hand chop movements could save you some day.
And guys? Sigh. Dear, dear guys. When will the majority of you start having sense?


Single 2



All Grace had to do was put the box on her madam’s desk. That was all she had to do. But her amebo spirit was just too strong. Looking guiltily over her shoulder to make sure Chioma wasn’t standing in the doorway, she stealthily opened the box. Hmm. Whoever sent this knew exactly how to get Chioma. Strappy black stilettoes. Chioma was a sucker for heels. Grace picked up the small piece of cardboard paper inside the box and flipped it over to read the note. For some odd reason, her heart  began thudding wildly in her chest.
Wear these tonight. Nothing else.
Grace gasped audibly. Frank?!Her Frank??! The handwriting and modus operandi were spot on. It was her Frank alright. He loved to think of himself as some kind of old-fashioned romantic, dropping love notes left, right and center.
Hastily rearranging the package as best she could, she stalked out of Chioma’s office, the blood racing to her head. It’s not like she was genuinely in love with Frank. After all, she was already planning the best way to fully break up with him. But him creeping around with her boss? And after they had been on again, off again for over three years? Hyaa, the deception was just painful. Thankfully, it was a Friday and she would have time to process all this crap.

Text from him;
“Beautiful One,
Love is the gift
You give all
Who look upon you.
I’m smitten.





Grace could barely hold her head up by the time she walked through her front door. It had been a terrible day at work at the call center, and the very last thing she wanted to hear was another human being going on about himself.
Firmly locking the door behind her (her neighbour’s kids were playing outside), she left a trail of clothes on the floor and sank gratefully into the delicious comfort that was her bed.
She only realized that her phone was in her hand when it rang shrilly, Eva Alordiah’s Lights Out piercing the peace of her fatigue.
“Hello “, she managed to croak.
“So even after you saw my missed calls, you couldn’t call back, abi? Honestly, you don’t respect me at all. Six missed calls fa!”
Shifting the phone away from her ear, she eyed it viciously, wishing he could see the annoyance she felt. Grace didn’t bother trying to explain how hectic her day had been.
She calmly ended the call and shut her eyes wearily. She really ought to fully break up with that dude. He was getting on her last nerve.
A text announced itself cheerily and she sighed in anticipation of more trouble. But no, it wasn’t from him. It was from him. Her “secret admirer” who’d been texting her for a couple weeks now. It was mostly poetry, and he made sure to switch off his phone  immediately after texting so she couldn’t call him back.
Grace smiled after reading, switched off her phone, and fell hopelessly, desperately, aggressively asleep.


This is a phone post, so please forgive the shoddy nature of it all.

Happy New Year!!!





Kechi stared at it in awe for a few minutes. It was huge. And juicy-looking. Stepping into the room, she closed the door behind her with a click of finality; she’d be here for a while. For as long as it took to vanquish this thing.
She held it in her hand delicately at first, inspecting it and wondering where to start. Slowly widening her mouth, Kechi pushed it in gingerly, trying to test just how much of it could fit in there. The first taste melted her inhibitions and she went on to taste it again, boldly this time.
Losing herself in the moment, she took it out of her mouth and ran her tongue up and down it instead. Slow, sensuous strokes of her tongue, savouring that unique taste and feel. It was so hard and unyielding, but still she got the impression that there was so much yummy goodness on the inside. She couldn’t wait to make it all come out of there.
She noticed a drop of fluid at the end of it and giggled like a delighted child, licking it up completely. She kept working her lips and tongue there, sucking hard to make more of that fluid come out. She loved it. Her eyes were fully closed now, all focus on the task at hand. She heard a moan and realized seconds later that it had come from her. She didn’t mind. She sucked and sucked and sucked.
And then the bone marrow flowed into her mouth.
She threw away the thoroughly violated bone, cleaned up her fingers and mouth, and left the room.





I’ve waited so long for this;

“Till death” is upon us.


Snatch off your urban cover;

We pick cotton by hand here.


Fling off you new-fangled insecurities;

Dr. Phil does not exist here.

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Glass Half Full

I manage to drag myself out of bed about 30 minutes after turning off the annoying alarm. As my feet make contact with the cold floor, I say a few words of prayer.
-I am alive yet again. Grumpy, lazy, sleepy as hell, but alive.
Stumbling through my scattered flat, I stand at the kitchen door for a while to have a stare down with last night’s dishes swimming quietly in the sink. After taking several factors into consideration, (I’m running late and it’s a cold morning), I eye the dishes one last time and let them win, walking away. The house will look terrible when I get back home tonight, but my laziness will be the sole cause of that.
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