She tried to control her breathing and tame her face into a perfect mask of nothing. She wondered to herself how shit got this complicated to begin with.
When did she start to give a hoot about how he spent his time, or with whom?! When did this rubbish “caring” business begin and why in tarnations
We “met” on 2go.
Yeah, of all places, I know. Well, that was about two and a half years ago. I am not sure which of the silly chat rooms we met in, but, meet we did anyway. Again, I’m not sure what made him stand out to me, but I instinctively treated him like a “real” person.
At first we would only say hello and make small talk, but the night I discovered that my boyfriend of about eleven months was only into me to get close to my friend, that night was the birth of our friendship.
I was heartbroken and sleep had sworn to avoid me at all costs even though I’d downed three mugs of warm milk and wanked in frustration a couple of times. I updated my status to “Can’t sleep…”, and just seconds later, he chatted me up. Now, the mix of heartbreak, sleeplessness, the fatigue of crying my heart out, and the exasperation of the unsatisfying wanks produced an unusual strain of honesty in me that night.
First off, this is just me being random and foolish (two things I’m great at, by the way), so ladies out there should NOT get their panties in a bunch. Speaking of, what does that mean, even???
Ladies, let’s be honest. You KNOW what’s wrong with your man, no matter how much you love him. So y’all know when you’re dating a guy who didn’t get lucky when looks were being handed out.
Backtracking a little bit, remember male dogs and their way of asserting themselves? It’s quite literally a pissing contest.
So the males jauntily stroll around their angwa (neighbourhood) and pee on everything that’s upright. Electric poles, trees, shrubbery, car tyres, rocks, unsuspecting human legs… you sha get the gist.
There has been an eerie silence on the blog for a while… I’ll try to explain that.
First of all, an uncertain number of girls went on an unplanned excursion with a handful of deranged bad guys, and the Nigerian government did fuck all about it.
Pardon my French; it’s a bit rusty.
Now, it was terrible seeing mothers cry over their missing girls, an agony trying to imagine how sleepless the nights of such mothers probably are, and unthinkable trying to picture just what said deranged fellows would get up to with those girls. Anyways, I chose to remain silent on that topic, as is usual with me whenever my country breaks my heart…
Imagine, if you will, a couple of young lovers, separated by distance for, oh, let’s say eight months. Why eight? Well, it’s a long enough time to go without being face to face with one you love and have come to depend upon. So, eight months down the line, eight months of surviving on dodgy Skype (they are Nigerians, one of them is in Nigeria, and our network always sucks), crackly calls and slow-delivering Whatsapp messages, the guy decides to surprise her and comes back unannounced. He calls her with a private number and idly asks where she is and what she’s going to be doing that day. Now when he gets the info he’s looking for, namely her location, Oga storms the place like a boss and calmly calls out to her. Being that he’s quite literally the last person she is expecting to see, she freezes there for a few seconds, assuming the shape of praying mantis interrupted during a feed.
Then she shrieks and flies into his arms, giving into the unbridled joy that lifts her off her feet and aims her legs towards Oga’s waist, where the said appendages fully intend to wrap themselves.
Gail was thoroughly frustrated with this her so-called boyfriend. Dude was soooo annoying, wallahi. The guy seemed to wake up and dedicate his entire day to pissing her the hell off these days. What made it worse was that their families had already done an informal introduction and all that rubbish. This is what she would be stuck with all her life.
Was he always this irritating? She tried to cast her mind back to three weeks before, when all their relationship wahala seemed to have blossomed into a full-time vexing competition. Sadly, she was hard pressed to remember him as anything but an asshole. If he carried on this way, honestly, she would give it back to him fire for fire. This Jos wouldn’t be big enough for the two of them.
Funny enough, what were they even arguing about sef? Rubbish-rubbish things, ne fa! Right now, he was raising hell because he ‘’found out’’ that she had gone to visit her ex in the hospital. Err, who wouldn’t?! The poor guy was in that beer parlour that they blew up the other day!
Dude survived a friggin’ bomb blast! Why ever shouldn’t she go to see him and add to the growing pile of oranges by his hospital bed?
Being anything other than friends was an idea that had never occurred to her. Which is why she didn’t really see anything wrong in walking down the stretch of wooded road with him that evening, holding his hand, talking, laughing, and leaning into him now and then.
They had done this countless times before. Theirs was the kind of open friendship that no one believed could exist anymore. Not between a man and a woman. Not unless either of them was gay.
They shared everything. He met all her boyfriends and she interviewed all his girlfriends, to be sure they had good intentions.
This thought floated briefly through her head as he led them to a tree with a low branch, sat on it, turned her around and sat her down in his lap. She was in the middle of gisting him about her annoying colleague at work, exaggerating everything just a little bit because she loved to make him laugh.
His voice, soft, low, serious, and scared, in her ear put a stop to her excited chattering.
‘’I love you.’’
They said that to each other all the time. But her bated breath, pounding heart, open mouth and wide eyes told her that this time, something was different.
Turning her head to seek out his eyes, any oddly-phrased question she might have squeaked was stolen from her lips…
He kissed her.
Slowly, tentatively, she kissed him back.
The both knew.
They were not friends anymore.
“I called Frank and told him it’s over. “
Grace was really grateful that Sade had come all the way to stay the night with her after their bbm conversation earlier. It felt good, not being alone.
“Aww, poor girl. Forget him jor. It’s not like you really loved him sef.”
Grace smiled sadly at her, putting on a brave face to reassure her friend.
“Aaaaaanyway,” Sade got up from the bed, mischievous gleam in her eye.
“We are drinking!” she brandished a bottle of merlot in one hand.
“And we are going dancing!”
Sade held up a tiny, electric blue dress in the other hand while Grace laughed excitedly and covered her face with her hands.
“I can’t believe you bought me the dress! Oga Mike, fa?” Grace managed to ask, perching on the edge of her bed.
“Don’t you trust me?! Oga Mike is on standby. Oya, stand up!”
Oga Mike was the cab driver they used whenever they went night – crawling.
An hour later, they made their way to Ice, their favorite nightclub, giggling away comfortably with Mike.
Determined to have fun and push all man-troubles aside, the two girls set fire to the dance floor, teasing a few guys but making it clear they didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.
All giggled out, Grace and Sade tumbled out of Mike’s car and into Grace’s apartment at about 3.47am, kicked off their shoes and climbed into bed fully dressed. Just before drifting off into her alcohol-induced sleep, Grace groggily checked her phone to stop the insistently blinking red light.
You stopped my heart in that blue dress.
Would that I could nurse your hangover in the morning…
Sleep sweet, my sweet.
Dave absolutely irritated her. She really wasn’t sure why, and didn’t care to find an explanation for it. Dipping her head to sip from her wide-brimmed mayrtini glass, she peered at him over its rim. Bella mumbled “Mumu guy” under her breath and turned around to look at other people. It was a work do, and attendance was mandatory, else she’d have stayed home quite happily. As usual at parties and social events, she stood on the fringe of things, by the drinks table this time, watching her colleagues and their guests laughing, dancing, living.
She was just fumbling for her phone so she could check the time and countdown to when she could safely sneak off when she felt a presence behind her.
We all have these. They may be nice people, really. Just nice people you ordinarily wouldn’t want to be with for more than a few minutes. Or maybe you just don’t want any company at that time, then up these guys show. Then again, maybe they’re just really annoying people who can’t take “Stay away from me!” for an answer. Anyways, here’s how to “welcome” the unwelcomables.
Dusty breeze and light.
You were fussing again,
Putting me through unjust strain.
Later, we sat in class,
All so carefree… but alas!