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Help, My Underwire is Trying to Kill Me & Other Tales of Womanhood

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Pictorial representation of underwire

Let’s cut to the chase.
Bras are a huge deal for women, especially women who are a little chesty and can’t afford to go commando for fear of the ensuing awkward wobbling. Also, if you are the least bit sporty or lead an active lifestyle, those babies need to be caged, to stop them accidentally falling into someone’s soup or getting caught under your elbow when you lean over a desk…
We all know how it goes, average day at the office, droning through the chores of the day with an eye on the clock hanging on the far wall. Life is made up of similar days of drudgery and boredom from which you try to squeeze fun and laughter. You are engaged in a serious activity, explaining real grownup forms to a colleague, when you raise your arm and faaaaaacckkkk.
Your underwire has worked its way out its protective enclosure, and jabbed you right in the sensitive flesh of your underboob.
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2

Pepper

It was years ago when I realized I probably wouldn’t do very well in the “landing men who take me seriously” department. The year was maybe 2006, I was still mop-skinny; thin body, big head. To make things worse I actually had on this weave at that time which had been put together by a hairdresser who maybe was a carpenter in her previous life… Anyway, the weave made my head look much bigger, is the point I’m trying to make. Continue reading

2

Zero Plus Zero Equals Blog Post

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So I’m sat at the old plantation (aka office) today, when I hear my phone ring. I peep the caller ID without breaking eye contact with the old man before me, because old people are all sorts of annoying when they feel in the least bit abandoned. It is a strange number, one of those that makes you wonder if there’s a new network in town you have not heard of. I don’t know what makes me pick up the call, but I do.
Me: Hello?
He: Hello… Joy? How are you? 
Me: I’m fine…?
He: Why did you just push me aside, ehn? In fact, I’m so angry with you. 
Me: *scanning the mental voice recognition database, finding no match* Err… Why, what did I ever do to you? 
He: Why would you just forget about me… Do you even know who’s on the line?
Me: No, I don’t. 
He: Can you imagine. It’s Great.  Continue reading

5

Of Mandibles and Other Romantic Things

So I went out with someone this week.
Let me make it clear, please.
It was not a date.
It was NOT a date.
It was not a DATE.
He brought up the idea of us hanging out and I said Ok because, meat. Quite frankly, you can kidnap me with meat. Or is it still kidnap if I willingly hop into the car with you, clutching the container of yummy saliva-wave inducing dead animal… I think my ability to hear or focus is hindered drastically when I’m eating meat that I really enjoy. But that theory has not been proved.
Aaanyway.
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12

Keeping Your BFF

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Here are some tips about best friends I wrote down a while ago:

-Keep the amebo flowing. Gossip is the grease that oils the cogs of the world. It is not to be underestimated.
– Though distance separates you, communication is key.
– When you deliver your gist, be sure to make it media-rich. Include images, web links, audio, video footage, bloody powerpoint slides if you can. Continue reading

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The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life

8:12 AMJoy
this away business here to stay?
8:14 AMJohnny Q
oh
morning
8:19 AMJoy
heehee
morning
9:46 AMJohnny Q
this away business here to stay?
10:21 AMJoy
lol
was ACTUALLY  away
ass
10:23 AMJohnny Q
WELCOME BACK
10:24 AMJoy
hmm
been in za loo
was there for like 30mins
10:28 AMJohnny Q
hmmmm
giving birth?
10:29 AMJoy
10:31 AMJohnny Q
lol
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